She Has No Idea...

How much I like her (:A few nights ago, I found myself doodling over the song lyrics I had written up. You know how some lyrics just remind you of some people, and things that you think? Well, yeah, it was like that. I thought I'd put them up, for the world to see. Urgh, how I just want to scream that I love her, but I mustn't.
GRRR.

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Warum Mich?

I hate it, and I sure as hell don't understand it. Every person my Mum introduces me to talks to me like I'm slow. I'M NOT STUPID. My Mum likes to wave the whole 'Amber has Asperger's' thing in peoples faces, and gives them the old history of me to make it seem as if I'm actually that bad. I'm grown up, and perfectly fine, yet people still insist on talking to me like I'm slow.

Last July time I did a practice Duke of Edinburgh walk with school. Every adult was going out of their way to speak to me 'specially' and stuff. I didn't want to play the team game, I wanted to write my diary instead, but one of the other pupils kept checking on me. I knew the teachers wanted to keep an eye on me. I don't think they realised I noticed, and I'm not even sure if they noticed they were doing it.

I was so pleased when I met this girl at Summer Camp! She was completely amazing, she didn't give a damn, she just wanted to be my friend! On the other hand, my Mum has never met her, or her parents, so if I was to say I had Asperger's, they probably wouldn't look twice. I'm dreading the thought that my Mum might meet them one day, and everything would change. I don't know her parents well enough to know if everything would change or not.

I even dislike going to the local cinema, because of one of the ladies there. She has spoken to me like I'm a child ever since my Mum spoke to her about it. There are certain shops I dislike going in, and I hate going to school. I would hate to be without school, but some of the teachers, and most of the inclusions department talk to me like I'm a child. It's horrible.What the hell have I done to deserve this? Just because my Mum likes everything to sound so bloody dramatic. I don't need help, I don't want help, and I sure as hell don't want people poking into my life, and talking to me like I'm slow. Why must my Mum be like that? I hate it to the point that I don't like meeting new people that she might meet. I say I have Asperger's, and nobody really blinks twice. My Mum says it, makes a big Hoo-Haa about it, and everybody's treating me like I'm 'SPECIAL'. Sheesh. Yes, I obsess on things, yes I'm dearly into my languages, yes I can be a bit over-hyper sometimes, but I dislike the way people feel the need to talk to me and treat me differently. I want it to stop, I want this all to stop.....

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First French Exam Soon...

I'm seriously not looking forward to it. I'm not as good as Mme Parry-Jones made out, and I reckon Mr D already knows. I just really don't need to prove him right in this oral exam. I'm not confident enough with the spoken side of French, and I still think he like über hates me. There must be some way I can radically improve my French in the next two weeks, there must be. I can't show Mr D how appauling my French is, that's far too humilating for my liking. I honestly love learning languages, but I seriously wish I hadn't had Year 10 French lessons last year, as this just made me look cleverer than I actually am. RETTE MICH. I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to be doing for my oral, so I'm kinda guessing. I'm going to pretend to be Audrey Tautou, so all the place names are in French, and French information is easily accessible. I still don't think I'm gonna do well. I really don't want to humiliate myself infront of Mr D. I don't mind Mme Capewell listening, or for that matter, any other teacher, but, MR D? OMG, OMG, OMG. Nicht gut. He'll probably nit-pick at every wrong thing I say. I dearly love French, and learning languages, but at this stage, it would completely break me to be critisized. I'll end up going down a bad streak, and losing my love for learning languages. I really don't want to end up staring at a wall, scaring half the teachers again either. I'm not the talented little linguist I'm made out to be. I just bulldust it. The writing bit is fairly okay, but I'm seriously gonna muck up this oral - I'm not ready. I'd dearly love to be an interpreter when I'm older, but I know darn well I'll never make it. I'm not talented like Mr D, or any of the language teachers: I'd have to work so hard to learn everything, it'd kill me. And that's just French. I know I should ask for help, but who, when, where? WARUM MICH? My school e-mail and phone are in Danish, my iPod is in Finnish, my laptop and internet is in French, and my computer game. I have a lot of German and Russian songs on my iPod. To be honest, it's driving me mad, all this exposure to languages. I refuse to give in though.

I will prove to Mr D that I'm NOT that bad at languages, I WILL.

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